your very existence is like the oxygen;
you make my insides burn,
yet i just can't seem
to have enough of you.

one minute without you
and i'm already suffocating;
turning blue and purple;

ran cold;


first kiss

i said,
"i wasn't your first,
you left a trail of kisses
on other girls."

you said,
"they all taste the same,
but there's something different
about your mouth."

i said,
"since you're my first,
i have yet to have
a taste of the others'.
yet the moment our lips met,
i was convinced that
i don't ever wanna taste
any other mouth
but yours
ever again."

you said,
"you may not be my first,
but i sure hope that
you're gonna be my last."



when do you know that it's cheating?
when you let the feeling grows.

...and then you did.



jealousy changes you—
it completely shifts your
mind and paradigm
and way of thinking
and way of seeing things.

jealousy makes your brain
cloudy with anger,
unable to think clear.

jealousy makes you succumb
to the gruesome power of fear.

jealousy raises up your
crippling ego in a heartbeat,
making you defending yours
like your whole life depends on it.

jealousy takes your will to love—
if it's still there at all.

because who knows that
loving someone could be this exhausting?

jealousy makes you
a repugnant, revolting human being.

...and jealousy has successfully done every single thing above, to me.



fear is such an ugly thing;

it gives you a sense of insecurity,
knowing just how many things that can go wrong.

it gives you a sense of uncertainty,
unknowing just what are the odd
of the things that can go wrong—
or would they ever happen at all.

it numbs you,
making you lose the ability to feel.

because why would you even choose
to feel only to get hurt,
if you could shut yourself down
from the whole world
before you got hurt?

it alters your mind,
turning you from a logical human being
to a big incoherent, irrational pile of mess.

and the most frightening thing of all,
is that fear scares you so much
that you can't do anything
but giving in to it.

...but i'm still afraid to lose you.



i've always been mesmerized by the concept
that sometimes a home
isn't always in the form of
closed doors and four sides of walls;

sometimes a home
isn't always in the form of
empty rooms and echoing goodbyes;

a home is a person;

and for me,
that person is you.

there's no place like home,
there's no place like you.



i was a mere withering grass,
you were a morning dew.

you succumbed to the power of gravity,
i let the wind blew me away—
we crossed path.

i was a palpitating mess
with faint pulses beneath my skin;

and so were you,
i found out.

we still are.


conversation at dawn

"do you know what you are?"


"you're both
the stormy night and
the calm morning after."


break, broke, broken

i've always been wondering
why did i attract the most broken people;
but it wasn't until i met you.

you were never the prince on a white horse;
but as the time goes on,
every imperfection of yours
becomes a clarity for me;
and i cling to your beautiful mess of a flaw
like my life depends on it.

i want to mend the crippled parts within you,
but you're the one who fixed me instead;
i want to save you from the surging sadness,
but you're the one who saved me instead.

we're the broken pieces in the land of misfit toys;
the misfits among the misfits,
but we fit each other perfectly, pieces by pieces.


the day

all this time,
i could never imagine that
this day would eventually come.

the day when someone would actually make me a priority.
the day when someone would actually be willing to stay awake for me.
the day when someone would actually be willing to take risks for me.
the day when someone would actually look at me dead in the eye and tell me that i'm beautiful.
the day when i could actually feel that i'm being loved unconditionally.
the day when i could actually bare myself until the very last fragment; until the deepest, darkest piece of me.

all hell breaks loose when you and i found each other.


cinta bukan melulu soal cinta

cinta bukan melulu soal siapa yang lebih dulu.
yang telah lama singgah bisa jadi sama rapuhnya
dengan yang sekedar lalu-lalang.

cinta bukan melulu soal detak jantung yang berdegup kencang,
bukan melulu soal pupil yang melebar.
yang telah kehilangan nafasnya
bisa jadi yang semenjak dahulu telah menyimpan asa.

cinta bukan melulu soal hukum tawar-menawar.
saat sudah kehabisan apa yang ditawarkan,
terkadang cinta dengan naifnya
tetap menyambut dengan tangan terbuka.
persetan dengan hukum ekonomi,
yang memberi kurang bisa jadi
telah memberi seluruh yang mereka miliki.

cinta bukan melulu soal mengabaikan ketidaksempurnaan.
justru cinta menerima seutuhnya,
segala kesempurnaan maupun ketidaksempurnaan.
setiap gores dan luka, bukalah mata
dan terimalah mereka dengan utuh.
yang terlihat baik bisa jadi
membuatmu menutup mata atas keburukan mereka.

cinta bukan melulu soal apa yang terlihat,
karena bisa jadi indera kita
dibuatnya luluh lantak di hadapannya.

“tak ada cinta yang muncul mendadak,
karena dia anak kebudayaan,
bukan batu dari langit.”
bumi manusia - pramoedya ananta toer