29.7.14

it's late at night and i thought it was cold (but really, it was just your absence)

a bed so big,
a room so empty;
a void that you left
is slowly killing of me;

hugging a pillow during my sleep pretending it was you
was the loneliest thing that i’ve ever done;

constantly wishing how nice it would be
if it were your hands that i was holding on to,
but no;

my fist clenched the bed sheets
in the most distressing way possible;

to think that i got used to waking up
facing the cold wall,
pretending it was you,
made me contemplate nonstop:

what if someday i got accustomed to
the coldness
and the silence
so well,

that i couldn’t take
the heat
and the hitch
between each of your breath?

27.7.14

your very self broke down, and i myself ruptured

“恋してる。” 
“私も恋してるよ。”

looking at the picture of your house made me daydream
about the day when i finally stood in front of your door
and you waited for me to knock.

my hands hovered with hesitation,
trembled in vain, held by the bind of
doubts and what ifs.

i did not knock yet you knew that i was there,
just like that you felt my presence;
i could barely remember
when did you start became so intuitive.

door slammed open,
two pairs of eyes met for a fleet second
and hands intertwined that instant.

our souls entangled
and we swore in that moment
we were infinite.

your very self broke down
and i myself ruptured
when we decided to lock the door
and got ourselves enraptured by the feelings of regret,
with cheeks wet and hairs messed.

we caught each other’s clothing damp
with god knows how much tears,
yet we did not seem thirsty.

i would not dare to say that we were sober,
as we perpetually drank shots of our life essence—
shaken, not stirred—
and got a little intoxicated.

i could taste our consciousness altered,
surging like a mind-numbing deluge within our insides;
i was afraid that we might get hangovers
by the time the sun rose.

your fingers traced down my veins,
yearned for unceasing strong pulses and tried to elucidate
that it was not a dream,
that it was not a pure delusional fantasy
resonated by a mere cerebral cortex.

hearts beaten by the way we caress every single
affliction that bonded the two of us,
broke free from the misery we deliberately lived.

pieces by pieces
you filled the cavity that used to draw close my heart
and it was long gone after you.

now that we literally got each other’s back in our grasp,
i could imagine how fragile yet how sturdy
these very chassis that held two living beings could get.

the boundaries fell into oblivion
as we slowly coaxed and melted ourselves together;
like ice cream in the sun,
like iron in the welding pit,
like wolves beneath the moon,
like thunder on the shore
shut silent by thick clouds of entity.

fingers crossed that there would be no more
thousands of miles and a vexing timezone between us.

like tempered glass on a car crash,
i crumbled,
i tumbled,
and i gave myself to you as whole.

our breath was so fervent,
fire could not seem to burn us.

knees weaken
thus bodies slid down the wall,
creaked the wooden floor and just like that
shoes were scattered,
and so did our heads;
thoughts so messy
just the way we liked it.

one year,
two years,
five years,
ten years,
one divine eternity
and i still would not let this moment lapse.